The point of intimacy

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Why do I feel a moral obligation, or a moral guilt when I participate in activities that are morally neutral? For instance, last night I went out – I kissed a guy and I feel, wrong, bad, unsettled about it. I’m not in a relationship and the kiss was consensual from both parties, so why do I feel uncomfortable about what I have done?

I guess this could stem from some sort of societal role that I feel I should fulfil. The idea that female promiscuity is ‘slutty’ or ‘degrading’. Or the values my parents hold, that being intimate is private and special and not something to be handed out easily. Or perhaps I feel like the act was simply out of character, so much as to rattle me up a little and question the genuinity of what I’ve done.. Did I really want to?

Either way what the experience has done is close me up. I don’t want to be promiscuous or flirty. I don’t want to be ‘easy’. The only reason I can directly attribute these feelings to is a sense of self-worth. Perhaps I was seeking some sort of intimacy with a guy in order to top up any insecurities I had. I don’t believe that I place my worth as an individual in the way I am viewed by others but of course having a guy find you attractive is a blanket of reassurance. So instead of the act being empowering and strong. It was carried out from a place of weakness and self-doubt – and that’s why I feel unsettled.

4 thoughts on “The point of intimacy

    abrainwithfeet said:
    April 5, 2015 at 2:55 am

    May i say one thing? There is no “that was not like me”. But more of “that is not how i perceive myself”. What ever you do, that is you. Be it something you have been doing for many years, or something that you have just done for the first time. If you felt like kissing a guy, then so be it. Try not to beat yourself too much over things that you wanted to do.

      Mental Pixelation responded:
      April 5, 2015 at 1:31 pm

      Yes you are right. It’s odd because I have kissed guys before like that and not felt so odd about it afterwards. So it’s interesting how regardless of how many times you have done something the way you feel about it can still change.

        abrainwithfeet said:
        April 5, 2015 at 4:44 pm

        Maybe your priorities changed? Needs? Wants? Perception of yourself?

        Mental Pixelation responded:
        April 5, 2015 at 7:08 pm

        It probably is, I’ve had more life experiences than before and I guess they accumulate and eventually create a slightly different view on things

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