Why do I feel a moral obligation, or a moral guilt when I participate in activities that are morally neutral? For instance, last night I went out – I kissed a guy and I feel, wrong, bad, unsettled about it. I’m not in a relationship and the kiss was consensual from both parties, so why do I feel uncomfortable about what I have done?
I guess this could stem from some sort of societal role that I feel I should fulfil. The idea that female promiscuity is ‘slutty’ or ‘degrading’. Or the values my parents hold, that being intimate is private and special and not something to be handed out easily. Or perhaps I feel like the act was simply out of character, so much as to rattle me up a little and question the genuinity of what I’ve done.. Did I really want to?
Either way what the experience has done is close me up. I don’t want to be promiscuous or flirty. I don’t want to be ‘easy’. The only reason I can directly attribute these feelings to is a sense of self-worth. Perhaps I was seeking some sort of intimacy with a guy in order to top up any insecurities I had. I don’t believe that I place my worth as an individual in the way I am viewed by others but of course having a guy find you attractive is a blanket of reassurance. So instead of the act being empowering and strong. It was carried out from a place of weakness and self-doubt – and that’s why I feel unsettled.
Nothing within you is ever lost. If you ever feel like you’ve lost who you are, you haven’t, it’s just fallen apart. All the bits are there, but they’re not together so they’re not functioning properly. It’s like a jigsaw in a jar. It can begin perfect, all pieced together but a little knock to that jar and the pieces fall apart, some might remain in clumps and that’s what remains of ‘you’. You might remain kind and caring and opinionated but loose confidence and personality. You haven’t lost it, they’re just not pieced together yet, but they will be. The jar is your skull, containing your brain, all you need to do is get the pieces together, get them functioning. But you’re never lost, gone, empty. You’re always there you’re just not always working as a unit. All it takes is combing the pieces into a more confident you, a more content you. It can take time, but during that time, don’t loose hope, hope isn’t something that relies on a jigsaw piece, it’s external of the puzzle, and it’s what’ll fix the puzzle.
I know I’ve been absent for a while, sorry, I also know this isn’t my usual type of post, again sorry.