Month: March 2015

Freedom

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Having freedom is a curse in disguise – I bet that’s a quote, it must be. Since I’ve been on my gap year that is the truest thing I have learnt. Structure is key to a healthy mind..

At first, I loved the lie ins, the no revision, no homework, no real house work, no stress. Then I hated not it, but my life. I still liked the freedom whilst simultaneously hating the life that it had created. I’d become the most slobish I’ve ever been. Working a measly 19 hours a week is nothing when its all you do all week. But I used this to my ‘advantage’ ha ha ha.. Dominoes pizza at 2:30am? Why not? That nice new top, well pfft why on earth not? I could kind of buy what I liked. I wasn’t paying rent, I had a roof over my head, spare time, and cash.. Heck doesn’t that sound perfect?

Well er no. For me the slobish lifestyle translated into a slobish mentality. I would avoid social events yes partly because of the anxiety they would create but mainly.. The effort that they required. I’d rarely go and if I did I’d arrive late because after a busy morning of eating last night’s pizza, watching 1,2 or 5 episodes of American horror story,  I would easily run out of time to cover my tired spotted skin in makeup and hide my slightly chubby body in some scrumpled clothes. Then when I turned up, I’d be ticking of the hours until a time – not when the event was actually over, but when the event was acceptable to be left. And I would do this because in my head freedom was slumping around at home with no standards, and everyone wants freedom right? So I would try and escape any kind of social, moral of physical obligation.. Out of principle of maintaining the ‘free’ lifestyle.

I’m still in this lifestyle, I’ll let you know how escaping it goes..

Just thoughts

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Do you ever just sit down, stare at your paper and pen, or your screen and keyboard and just kind of sigh. When you have so many thoughts but none of them string together in a cohesive alignment, or none of them fit the same context, or at the very worst you’re not even sure what they mean? Well yea, that is me, right now.

And that will be my topic I will align my thoughts to. Why do we feel the need to express our thoughts? Even when we’re sat alone at home, why do we find it necessary to find an outlet for them? I guess it could be due to our natural inclination to be open with one another. Or it could be a defence mechanism for coping with the thoughts – particularly if they are negative. Or it could be in order to better ourselves. Jotting down thoughts certainly gives us the closest to a third person perspective we could ever ask for. And that enables us to analyse them, it enables us as well to exude these negative thoughts and thus examine them with a clearer, more neutral mind.

One thing these things have in common is subtracting a certain amount of thoughts from being stuck within us. A way of ridding them. I’m sure we’ve all ‘thought’ (oh the irony..) that we would like to switch of our brains for a bit. Or that we would like to permanently erase something from our memories. This idea of ridding thoughts is of course just that, just an idea. So the only realistic pursuit of this being possible is the ability to somehow monitor or distract, or expel them from ourselves. By turning them into a physical object (ink on paper) rather than an elusive enigma of floating consciousness that troubles us, saddens us and can drive us insane.

That’s a lot of thought bashing. It brings me to the question of what is so good about them… I mean really, what is good about thoughts? Yes it allows us to analyse situations in a complex manor, it allows us to be self-aware, it allows us to plan ahead to try and create a life that we believe is best for us. If wed ignore the black whole side of thoughts, the side that sucks our mood into it in a moment of mental masturbation then I guess we can start thinking about these positives. But would we really need to plan a life if we had no thoughts in the first place, we’re planning because we get upset by things because of how we feel and think – we’re thinking to help previous negative thinking.. What.

The only conclusion this leads me to is, thoughts are life. They allow us to interpret things, soak them in rather than having them penetrate right through us without so much a ripple of conscious effect. And this is good. Because despite life as we know it existing without our thoughts, it doesn’t exist to us. And if the only way I can experience life is by coping with a cocktail of complex thought processes then that is a sacrifice I am willing to make.