I don’t think we ever ‘find ourselves’ I think all we do is learn more and more about ourselves. We’re too complex to be found, what there is to learn is infinite, and the best way to make our way through the infinite checklist of self-discovery? Pain. Being hurt. Having our heart strings torn at in all directions, being yanked as they cry and as tears drip down our faces. It’s horrendous, it’s horrible, it’s indescribable but it does one thing. It teaches us something.
When you’re down a pit that has been created by a shitty reality and a self-torturing mind, you evaluate two things, how you got there and eventually, how you will get out. Thinking about how you got there totally depends on the perspective you take but ultimately the best way for you to move on and the best way for you to spin this into a silver lining is by being brutally honest and accepting. Maybe after a heartbreak the energy you have shouldn’t be focused on hating the other involved, maybe it should be spent on nurturing ourselves. Maybe we should forget our pride, forget our silly games, and let go. Feel the weight of tension drop off our shoulders. The reason we don’t is because this tension is all we have left of the person. It’s negative but it’s not nothing. And for a long time you’ll think it’s better than nothing. But when you accept the absence of anger and focus on yourself it’s the first big step of recovery.
Firstly, be proud, so proud that you even got to this stage. It’s the hardest stage and well done. Now I know unlike this analogy that the weight and tension doesn’t just evaporate. I know some hovers around like a bad smell fogging up the back of our minds. But what we need to do is have the sharp, harsh memory to keep us in check. Think of it as a border of standards. We can remember what that level of pain feels like so we can ensure we don’t allow ourselves back there again. There is hope in this and it does get better.
Just remember that there is no external or internal timeline. You shouldn’t feel better by a certain time. You can’t take too long to recover, and you also can’t recover too quickly. There is no shame, no lack of dignity in it taking months or years to move on from this pain. Our souls are soft and often the softest get squashed the hardest. If you are sad accept it, but don’t prioritise it. Prioritise the thought of happiness. The imagining of your future self, happy and free. And soon you will get there, that thought will turn to a feeling and you will be there.
And lastly, please remember that there are so many people in this big world who have been screwed over. Who have had their hearts torn out and trampled on, who have had to claw back themselves and have learnt to exist and eventually to be happy. There are people everywhere who understand your pain. Your pain is not irrational. It is real. And it’s one of the very worst things in life. You are coping with it. And you will recover from it. Have as much faith in yourself as I have in you. Once you learn to have faith in your self-recovery you will see it happen.